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I woke up today after only about an hour and a half of sleep, despite taking a muscle relaxant, since I was in so much pain. Doctor's offices were still open, so I called the number I know at least used to belong to my doctor, to find out that it still indeed does belong to my doctor, with no indication as to why the name changed in registries. Good, because that won't confuse people. Had I been in a better frame of mind, I would have asked about it.

I said I was calling in regard to the voicemail I left last week, and the receptionist knew what I was talking about pretty quickly, which begged the question as to why she never actually called me back to give me the info I asked for in the voicemail. Privately, I'm sure why she didn't. She either has some aversion to doing her job properly, or some aversion to me. Some years back, I had an ultrasound that revealed a tumour, a fact I was sure of since the tech who did the ultrasound pointed it out to me on the screen. The results were supposed to be sent to my doctor, who would follow up with me. Weeks went by, I heard nothing, so I finally called and asked if the results were in.

"Oh yes, they got here," the receptionist told me. "They didn't show anything." There was a pause, before suddenly her tone changed. "But if you're still having symptoms, you should definitely make another appointment! Do you want me to do that?"

The results did, in fact, show something, but the whole incident made me wonder how many times she got test results in and either assumed there was nothing to follow up with because the results didn't come with some big flashing light and siren or something, or else she looked through all the test results and made her own determination as to whether "something" was worthy of follow-up. Option one implies she's grossly negligent and makes me fear for the people who had serious health conditions that she caused to delay treatment, the other implies she thinks she has the medical training to know what a significant "something" is. And given that sometimes a negative test result for one condition means that another condition is the likely diagnosis, that's still negligent.

Or she just has something against me and doesn't want to deal with me. Honestly, given my experiences with people, I wouldn't be surprised at this either, somehow.

Anyway, she double-checked, and confirmed that I had indeed been referred to a local rheumatologist, and I got their name. Good. Progress. She also gave me the phone number... which turned out to be the phone number for the local hospital. The hospital, at least, gave me the correct number for the rheumatologist, so I called them and left a message because I guess their office hours were done for the day when I called.

I feel like a shit, calling and leaving a voicemail that essentially says, "So, do I have an appointment? Because knowing that would be a big help right now." But at the same time, I've been waiting nearly 2 months at this point and only just found out that the ER doctor did his job and properly referred me; I had started to suspect that I had once again slipped through the cracks and not been referred at all! Because that too would have been about par for the course, given my experience with doctors. Now I at least know that I'm a little bit ahead of where I started, even if I still have no idea when my appointment will eventually be.

And given that my pain isn't exactly getting easier to manage, just knowing my name was passed along is something. I'm struggling on a day-to-day basis here, it's even odds as to whether I'll sleep enough, I feel like a bigger inconvenience than normal because not only am I not earning any money to contribute to household expenses, now I'm barely able to do chores and stuff around here, so I feel like an even greater useless lump than before. I'm barely capable of maintaining my hobbies, let alone actually be productive on projects. I haven't written in weeks, because I have no creativity or inspiration or motivation. I haven't worked on videos, because I can't focus. I read some, but it's slow and distracted. I'm worn out, and I don't know how long I'm going to have to keep going like this before I can even begin talking to someone about how to properly manage it or be treated for it.

That's another reason why I either desperately want a house with my own room, or an apartment of my own (neither is going to happen, but still). Even if I had to entirely take care of myself with no help, if I lived alone, I feel like I'd have an easier time managing, because I wouldn't be in anyone's way. If I'm awake sporadically and mostly at night, I could do things that make noise and I wouldn't disturb anyone else. If I'm too tired to wash dishes, they wouldn't just be sitting there for someone else to do; I could wash them a couple at a time, when I had energy, and at any time of day. If I'm awake all night and have the energy, I could cook food without worrying that the light and sound will wake anybody up. I could comfortably watch a movie without having to use headphones or keep the volume down super low. I actually feel like I'd be doing better if I was living alone, or at least had a room I could go to where I could sit around with lights on and watch TV with the volume up and not worry about R not getting enough sleep. But I don't have that here. And it's not likely I'm going to have that again any time soon. So I just exist in this uncomfortable painful holding pattern where I feel like I'm just useless and in the way and barely functioning, because I'm not in an environment where I can actually function.

But I'm too tired and frustrated to go into another rant about all of that. I called the doctor. I found out a thing. That's basically all I did today, but it was still something, and I'm going to try to focus on that so I don't get as discouraged about everything else.

Ever have one of those moments where someone does something for you and you're just left utterly gobsmacked at the generosity and baffled over why they'd do it in the first place?

That was me today. I came home from getting groceries to find a message on my Ko-Fi account that someone had just donated enough money for me to buy a good computer chair that didn't hurt my back and hips and wasn't falling apart.

This person is one of my favourite authors.

She donated over $200 to make sure I could get a good chair.

I actually cried.

It's not that this person doesn't know I exist or anything. She was the first author I ever interviewed for my blog. She bought one of my embroidered bookmarks from me, years ago. She knows very well that I love her work and reread one particular book of hers at least once a year. But this? This was just... so incredibly unexpected!

If someone had told me, when I first started reviewing books, that this would happen, I wouldn't have believed them. (I wouldn't have believed them about a lot of the things that have happened since starting to review books, honestly.) If someone had told me, when I was in high school and viewed published authors as almost god-tier humans, that someday one of them would give me hundreds of dollars just to help me be more comfortable when I worked, I'd have laughed at them and told them to stop making fun of me.

And yet, here we are.

My heart is too full for words. This person's generosity is immense, and I hope she reaps many karmic rewards for helping out a fan like this, I truly do.

- After a bunch of frustration and a random allergy attack this morning (no idea what set that off), I actually slept for around 10 hours. I woke up a little after 4 AM feeling almost human. I'm going to enjoy the feeling while it lasts.

- R and I have slowly been working on changing things around in the apartment, to clear more space and better organize things so things we need are easier to access and things we don't are more out of the way, on storage shelves. Then hopefully, when R passes the driving test and gets a license and we get a car, we can clear a bunch of packed boxes into our storage unit, freeing up the rest of the space in here. That's the point where we'll be talking to the landlord about the issues we've had with the upstairs neighbour. We're waiting until then because at the moment, we and the neighbour agreed that we could take her larger storage room in the building because she didn't need 2, and we got a lot of packages with things for review and needed to hold onto them for 6+ months in case of recalls. She agreed to let us use it, which is awesome and we're appreciative, but we both fear that if we talk to the landlord about the problems we're having, she'll want her storage room back, just out of spite. So we want our stuff gone from it so we can just say, "Okay, all our stuff is already gone from it," and she won't have anything to hold over us.

Sadly, experiences in our lives have kind of primed us for thinking this far ahead, setting things up well in advance so that people can't turn around and go back on their word in ways that end up hurting us.

- For the record, what we want to talk to the landlord about us: the upstairs neighbour frequently just leaves loads of laundry in the machines for a day, sometimes multiple days, without doing anything, forcing us to either move her half-finished laundry so we can do ours, or just continue to delay doing our laundry. She's in charge of snow removal from the driveway, but has a habit of only removing enough snow so that she can get to the front door, whereas our apartment only has access from the backdoor. She leaves random crap at the top of the stairs leading to the back door, such as baskets of laundry, random garbage she doesn't want to deal with yet, a vacuum cleaner, etc, making it a fire hazard because the stuff half blocks the exit, or a trip hazard. She has a large dog which we're not sure she's even supposed to have, given that I haven't seen it at all and R's only seen it twice, both time furtively moved out of sight once they realized the dog was spotted (this hasn't stopped the dog from barking super loud when we leave the apartment, dog toys from being left in the back yard, a leash being in clear view, and for a while, the leash also being left at the back door in a way that often resulted in me nearly tripping over it. We had lawn chairs and some gardening tools that we left out back a couple of times, because we were using them frequently and didn't want the hassle of carrying a bunch of stuff downstairs, and both apartments leave stuff out back, so we figured it was fine; I guess she figured that meant they were up for grabs and anyone could use them, whether or not she got permission. She provides the Internet, and she took over 2 weeks after moving in to even do that, but the Internet is shitty, frequently stops working (R needs it for work, teaching classes), and we discovered that both apartments share the same IP, which means we get "delightful" ads for weird sex toys and rauchy t-shirt designs every time her boyfriend comes over... When her kids are over, they are loud. Like, running around and yelling after 11 PM loud, which has prevented us from sleeping on more than one occasion. It was actually such a night that kept me awake enough that I ended up spinning into this pain and fatigue flare, so her lackluster parenting and inability to either watch her kids or tell them to quiet down has actually damaged my health for over 2 months now. I don't expect her to know this in particular, but I do expect her to maybe remind her kids that yelling a bunch so late at night might be a problem for the people who live literally right below them. She randomly left a slow cooker pot full of food rotting in a garbage bag, in the middle of summer, right outside the outside faucet that I use every day to water my vegetable garden. For 2. Freaking. Months!

So you can imagine just how eager we are to get our stuff in order so we can tell the landlord and put a stop to this.

- As it is, we're already trying to figure out how we can afford our own Internet service, even though Internet is technically included in our rent, even though she's technically providing some service, because it's unreliable service and is actually affecting the things R and I both do for work. The rental agreement doesn't specify that she has to provide a particular quality of Internet access, but the way things are, so long as R continues to teach from home, we need something better than what she's providing, and we kind of need to talk to the landlord to find out if our rent will be reduced if we get our own Internet service, since what's being provided isn't good enough. If so, great, that's a little bit of money we can put toward our own service. If not... we may have to skip a meal or two, let's just put it that way.

I mentioned in my previous post that I've heard nothing from the rheumatologist I was supposedly referred to after my hospital visit and blood tests in June. Since it had been over a month and my family doctor asked me to call him if I hadn't heard anything in a month, I did just that. Left a voicemail since I called at night, asked him to call me back and leave a message if he has any information, even the name of the person I was supposedly referred to, and just leave a message if I don't answer my phone, because my sleep schedule is weird and there's every chance I might be asleep when he calls.

So here's where it gets weird.

When my doctor called me on June 16th, his name showed up in my caller ID. Makes sense. That's his number.

After I called him the other day, using the very same phone number that called me in June to make sure I didn't make a mistake with dialing, that number changed in my phone to show a completely different name.

Which means that it has been changed with registries. Between then and now, the number had changed hands.

...Maybe. Googling my doctor's name and contact info tells me that his number is still the same one it's always been. Googling that number brings up the name that's now on my phone, the name of a completely different doctor in a completely different part of the city.

Has he moved offices? I don't know. If he has, I don't see why he would have changed his phone number like that, especially when there's no way for patients to find out unless he tells them. If that's still his phone number, why has the attached name been changed, and why is it also thus attached to a different location?

Also, trying to find out more information about the name that now comes up? Leads me to a bunch of websites with bad English that suggest the name is actually a company rather than a person. I can find nothing about this person as a doctor. Not their specialty, not patient ratings, nothing.

There are so many questions here, and no answers.

For all I know, my doctor hasn't called me back because I ended up leaving a message on an entirely different doctor's voicemail, who might not even actually be a doctor. If that's the case, I will have literally no way of contacting my family doctor. Which means I might not have a family doctor anymore, and I have absolutely no way of finding that out. Which means I can't rely on him to refer me to a rheumatologist if the hospital doctor screwed up, which means I'm back to square one, only with a bonus helping of confusion.

The fuck even is my life anymore?

Current Mood: confused

- I only woke up half an hour ago; upstairs was being super loud yesterday evening so I didn't get to sleep until much later than I had been, and so by the time I woke up fully, it was almost morning anyway. I hesitate to say that this means I'm slowly getting back on a night schedule for sleep, because so far since the initial hospital trip at the beginning of last month, my schedule has been: sleep for a couple of hours here and here, sleep for 4 hours during the day and 4 at night, sleep between 6-9 hours during the day, and now sleep between 6-9 hours during the evening and night. It may keep normalizing, but it also may normalize for a week and then shift again to something else if symptoms get too disruptive again. So even if things might resemble a more normal sleep schedule, I'm still just taking everything one day at a time and trying to not stress if things don't sort themselves out as quickly or easily as I'd like.

- As you may have guessed, still no call from a rheumatologist. My family doctor (who is in another city, which is why I didn't go see him to begin with), spoke to me on June 16 and said he couldn't see the name of anyone I was referred to in the info that the hospital sent him, so if I hadn't heard anything in a month, call him back and he'll refer me to a rheumatologist. He didn't want to do it right then in case things ended up double-referred, but at this point, I'm strongly starting to think that I just got lost in the medical system. Again. This wouldn't be the first time in my life I've reached out for help dealing with health things, only to get the brush-off or to get told, "Oh yeah, we'll totally do something about that," and then for nobody to do anything or else forget to do what they said. At this point, I'm kind of used to being overlooked, even by the people whose job it is to look after me.
So I almost feel bad for whoever I end up eventually getting to see, because chances are I'm going to be angry and skeptical, and I'm going to have to convince them that I have reasons for being both. Hell, this sort of general treatment from medical professionals is why I kept letting symptoms go on untreated for as long as I could. I've very used to having nobody on my side when it comes to help, and I've experienced issues before where even if a doctor is aware of what's going on, they don't actually do anything helpful until things become too bad for them to ignore anymore. At which point, why even go see them before that? If I'm on my own until it's almost literally impossible for me to manage things before anyone will help me, I may as well save myself the time and trouble of seeing a doctor before it reaches that point.

And I've passed the point of "politeness" that makes me keep those words behind my teeth. If any doctor asks me why I waited so long to get help for my current symptoms, I have multiple instances that I can cite -- including this current one, where I've been waiting over a month and a half for a simple phone call -- that have led me to believe nobody's willing to help me until I'm so bad off that it can't be ignored anymore. I'm not screaming in pain and completely bedridden yet. I guess to most doctors, that must mean I don't really need their help yet.

- Been feeling more inclined to spend my awake time reading than doing anything else. Unless that something else involves mindlessly watching TV or something. I don't seem to be up for much more than that. Too tired, too frustrated, too brain fogged. I want to do more, I want to be more productive and make strides toward my goals, but I don't seem to have the energy or motivation to do so at the moment. Which, go figure, just leaves me feeling even more lousy, and the lower mood gives me even less motivation to try. Freaking mental illness compounding physical illness.

- I've basically lost track of the days at this point. I sleep anywhere between noon and midnight most days, sometimes with a nap at night if I need it, but most often not. Makes it hard to keep track of the days, though, since the dividing line between one day and the next really has little meaning for me.

- Wrote a review of Siralim 3, which I'm decently proud of. It's been a while since I wrote a game review like this, so I thought it was a good place to jump back in.

- Did a little bit of tidying around the apartment, and helped R drag the recycling to the curb for pickup tomorrow.

- Not feeling super motivated to do much of anything tonight, so I'll probably just chill and play some video games for fun and not for future videos or reviews, or maybe read a bit. Wish there was somewhere more comfortable to do both of those things, but eh, beggars can't be choosers, I guess.

Hopefully tomorrow I can feel and be more productive.

- R went to visit his parents for the night and won't be back until noon tomorrow, so I've got the apartment to myself for the moment. No complaints, especially because it means that if I don't sleep tonight, I don't have to keep the light out to avoid disturbing anyone. I can have the light on and watch TV at a normal volume and be much more comfortable.

- Didn't sleep much today, mostly napping it little fits and starts. I'll probably end up napping a little tonight, which is fine.

- Been slowly working on writing, though I can't say I've had any massive breakthroughs or really good writing days or anything. I'm averaging about 1000 words on the days I do any writing, which isn't every day. I used to be better at this, but in fairness to myself, I haven't tried to write so much when my health has been so bad, so I'm trying not to be hard on myself.

- Haven't done much reading this week either. Maybe I'll try to devote my weekend to catching up on some reading, because I kind of miss just bingeing on books. Doing so also means more content for my review blog, too, so it's kind of a win-win.

Something I contemplated lately, if I somehow got very lucky with writing and self-publishing, was to return to university. I did a year at the University of PEI, and I was doing extremely well there (I had over an 83% average at the end of the year, and the head of the Anthropology department was already trying to woo me into taking Anthro as my major), and I've regretted having to leave ever since. A random shower thought the other day reminded me that if all works out very well, there's no reason I couldn't go back and finish my degree.

It would also dove-tail quite nicely with my desire to live alone for a while, since there's no way R could just quit his job to come with me. So while I would come back sometimes for visits, and between semesters, for the bulk of the time I'd be living in my own apartment, living life to my own needs once again, without all the pressures I talked about in my previous post.

Then I wondered if there were any other universities that might suit my needs better.

University of New Brunswick wouldn't work, for either campus. The Fredericton campus does have an Anthropology program, but from what I can tell of their website, I can't actually tell anything! Where UPEI listed a wide sampling of their courses for each department, UNB lists 4 potential courses that might be offered, and most of them are generic, like, "Intro to Anthropology," and sorry, if a school offers a major department, telling me they offer an introductory course doesn't actually tell me anything. So while the school might be fantastic, I legitimately can't tell that from the information they offer on their website.

But what about Nova Scotia? That would be far enough from here to meet my needs for living alone, while also being in a place that isn't too expensive to live, like Toronto or Vancouver. I know Halifax can be pricey to live in, but Dartmouth is very close by and a fair bit cheaper, and I don't mind a commute to school. While living on PEI, my commute to and from university was an hour each way, and the bus only ran twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon. Inconvenient and/or long trips don't bother me.

While researching, I found St Mary's University, and I honestly have my heart set on it. Not only goes it offer an Anthropology program (with fantastic course offerings, which they made easily available to browse), but they also have the most comprehensive Asian Studies department east of Montreal. UPEI also had Asian Studies, but only as a minor, and the focus was nearly entirely on the Korean peninsula, whereas my interests lie more with Japan. So I could go to SMU and come out of there with a double major in Anthropology and Asian Studies, learning things like how anthropology influences genetics and vice versa, and also learning about indigenous groups in East Asia, and Japanese film and literature.

It's everything I hoped UPEI would be.

It's more expensive than UPEI, and tuition and books each year would cost me over $11,000. That's not including living expenses. But if I could somehow reach the point where I was bringing in around $30,000 a year from writing (and I'm confident I can write enough, even while at university; the only question is whether what I write would sell), then it would be feasible for me to transfer my credits from UPEI to SMU and get back to working on the degree I've wanted for the majority of my adult life.

If I were to do this, I wouldn't be this year. Obviously. At the earliest, I'd start in fall of 2021, though more likely I'd wait until 2022, to give me more time to earn the money and make sure I can support myself. That would give me over 2 years to work my butt off to write and publish and see if I can really be successful, and also to get the things I need to make myself comfortable and more healthy in the meantime.

But it's a goal. It's something I can print out and put near my desk and look at when my motivation started to flag. I was a goal, I have somewhere I want to be and something I want to do, and sometimes I need reminding of those goals in order to keep me moving forward.

Things may change between now and then. But for the moment, I'm holding St Mary's University before myself as my goal, and I'm going to work toward it, and I'm going to hope the whole time that I can accomplish everything so that I can fulfill a dream I've had for so many years now, one that I started to fulfill but that got snatched away from me when old landlords decided to evict us and I couldn'y stay on PEI anymore.

It's something.

- After a few good days of decent sleep and minimal pain, my body's little gremlins apparently decided, "Oh, you think things are going well, do you?" and ramped up their game a notch. Pain and weakness in my legs got bad again last night, because of course they did. Sigh. Still, I had a few good days, and so far it hasn't killed my ability to sleep (it's actually made me sleepier, since I ended up napping for an hour this evening too), so I'll take what I can get.

- Braved the world to go to the Moncton Market again. We got the same sausages as last time, as well as an iced chai instead of a chai latte (not very good iced, at least the way they may it), some little lemon crumble cakes, sticky buns, and Nutella croissants. We then went to the pet store to stock up on more food; R carried the heavy bags and I carried the bag with the baked goods in it, and somehow that still resulting in that shoulder hurting, because evidently the weight of some damn sticky buns and croissants is too much for me. :/ What even, body?

- Turns out I won a giveaway that Square Enix Manga was doing, so I can look forward to getting some adorable "Man and his Cat" coasters in the mail at some point!

- Haven't slept at all these past 2 nights, but I've been sleeping about 6 hours a day, straight through, so honestly, I'm fine with that. It's a little annoying to not be awake for most of the day, but at this point I'm just glad I'm getting an almost-normal amount of sleep at all, so if that has to be during the day until other things sort themselves out, so be it!

- I haven't done so in a while, but I'm very tempted to start writing video game reviews again. I still want to make videos for a lot of them, but sometimes I come across a game where I have things to say but can't quite justify devoting the time and effort it would take to script, record, and edit an entire video, not when there are other video projects I want to work on more. Especially with RPGs, where I want to focus more on doing RPG Recap videos than on making review videos. Between that and Challenge Mode...

So it's tempting to go back to doing some written reviews too, reviving the video game review blog.I've kind of missed writing detailed reviews and finding good screenshots to use. I was never anybody who was anybody, so to speak, but I'm proud of some of the reviews I wrote in the past, and I have plenty of others that I could write now or else very soon, so it's looking a lot like I'll cave to my own pressures and start writing them again.

- More than half done my reread of Anne Bishop's Written in Red. I feel bad, because I really ought to be reading some of my many review copies instead of doing a re-read of anything, but I've been in the mood for a comfort read lately, and I know the Others novels fit happily into that role, so I've kinda prioritized a bit of mental-health comfiness over getting another book review done.

- We bought an air mattress, so once that's set up, I won't have to sleep on the horrible too-short couch anymore. No energy to set it up tonight, though, so I'll have at least one more night on the couch, but it's a relief knowing the option for something more comfortable will be coming soon.

- We also bought some shelving units, to help us better organize some stuff around here and to make some more space. R is on vacation starting next week, so we'll have some time then to set things up and make better use of the limited space we have in this apartment.

- Went to the library to pick up a book that was being held for me. It's so hard to get to the library now, since most days it's open, it's open during the period when the buses don't run, so if I went early, I'd be stranded downtown for nearly 5 hours, and if I went later, I'd get there pretty much just in time for the library to close. Tuesday is the only day this isn't the case, when they're open from 2-7; I can catch buses to get me there by a little before 5 PM. It's not remotely convenient, so I think I'm going to have to stop getting books from the library until they either get more convenient hours or the bus schedule going back to its pre-pandemic ways.

- Started replaying World of Final Fantasy, so I can get the footage for videos. It's a fun game, so I'm happy to replay it, and I never did get the secret ending, so that's my goal this time around.

- Night before last, I slept about 2 hours. Didn't sleep at all yesterday. It took until around 2:30 in the morning for me to finally fall asleep, which was probably made a bit easier by me taking more muscle relaxants than I ought to have. But then I slept until nearly noon, barring a brief period in which I woke up to feed the cats. That was the most sleep I've gotten in a mostly-together span of time in over a month now, and lemme tell ya, compared to yesterday, today has been great

- Yesterday did have a good point, though, when R and I went out early to go to the local farmer's market. They've reopened to "necessities" vendors only so far, which is to say foodstuffs and soaps, essentially. They require masks to go in, there's a guard at the door keeping track of how many people enter, and there are directional arrows to follow so that traffic is only going one way. This made it far better than the time we went before, during which it was crowded and noisy and nearly impossible to navigate because people were just going everywhere, and it was so overwhelming that we hadn't gone back in nearly a year!

It was pretty relaxed yesterday, though, with very few people. We got some baked stuffs as treats, indulged in some chai, bought some cider to drink on the way home, and also had breakfast in the form of a sausage from a vendor outside the market. I get that the lower turnout might suck for vendors, but no lie, if it was like that more, I'd go more often, because yesterday wasn't actually intimidatingly crowded.

- Today we watch The Assent, which was actually pretty decent for an exorcism movie, though it had moments that made us have to pause and rant about how freaking terrible and ableist a lot of things are. The main character has schizophrenia, and is fighting to retain custody of his kid after his wife dies, and he's pretty much just a hair's breadth from having his kid taken from him because he can't find a job that will hire him. And he's getting berated for not finding a job (not for not looking for a job, but not actually getting hired for one, as though that's his choice or something), and considering there are tons of single parent situations which social services wouldn't be keeping an eye on, or abusive dual-parent homes in which kids are left in unsafe situations, it rankled that this guy had extra scrutiny because of his schizophrenia, which was generally under control until he kept getting stressed out about possibly losing his son to the system. Imagine that.

We also watched Ju-On Origins, which sure was... a show. I meam, it only seemed to tie in a very little bit with the movie franchise, and I feel like as a story it would have done better to be an original concept and not try to tie itself into a larger franchise, but eh, what do I know. It was infuriating, though, that Netflix put standard content warnings up for depictions of people smoking, but no warning about a graphic rape scene, domestic violence, and child abuse. I guess they figured all that stuff would be covered under the "violence" warning, but for fuck's sake, you warn me about characters lighting up cigarettes but don't warn me that I'll have to sit through a scene of a teenage girl getting raped?! Fuck you, Netflix!

- R and I went for a walk this morning, which we haven't done in ages. Well, not beyond quick trips to the corner store, I mean. We walked to a coffee shop, got tea and a muffin, and sat chatting for a little while before walking home. It was a nice trip out, around 2.3 km there and back, and my legs really started to give out after about 2 km, but I managed to get home before I couldn't walk anymore. And by "give out," I mean that it was increasingly hard to put one foot in front of the other, my muscles were so weak and wobbly. But I do want to keep going for longer walks like that, as long as I'm able, so that I can either build up stamina and hopefully improve my body, or else stave off decline for a little while longer.

- R made a delicious fish chana manaanwich for supper tonight, and if that seemed like gibberish, you're not entirely wrong. :p It's chana masala (curried chickpeas) spread over naan, folded around a fish fillet. It sounds weird, but it's delicious, and ridiculously cheap since we managed to get some haddock fillets on sale for $1.50 apiece. Dried chickpeas are cheap, the spices are cheap; I think the package of naan was the most expensive thing, and we still have plenty of it leftover.

- Made the decision to not work on video stuff in July. I want to, but I do not have the spoons for it, all things considered. I'm still going to play games and get footage for future videos, but I'm not going to actually work on any videos until August. That way it's just me playing games and recording them without stress, and also having more time to focus on reading, writing, and reviewing, which feels far less stressful to me since I can do most of those things in far more comfortable ways.

- Written nearly 4000 words over the past few days, on the Super Sekrit Romance Project. Not as much as I'd like, but here's hoping it's the start of something that will help me earn some money and get to a better place in life.

Since I'm highly unlikely to finish another book by the end of today, I may as well post my reading progress for the past month now.

Books I Read

Or What You Will, by Jo Walton - A multi-layered nonlinear story about a dying author and the muse inside her head who tries to save her (and himself) by taking her into the fantasy world she created. And because it's a Jo Walton novel, that description doesn't remotely do it justice. I really enjoyed this one, as much as it was a massive head-trip at times.
Of Dragons, Feasts and Murders, by Aliette de Bodard - A novella set in the Dominion of the Fallen series, though I don't think you need to have read the main series in order to read and enjoy this one. It was a short, dark, fun murder mystery with fallen angels and Vietnamese dragons, and that's plenty good enough for me.
Silver Phoenix, by Cindy Pon - Reading this book felt like reading an expanded legend. I'm sorry that it took me so long to actually get around to reading it, because it was really enjoyable and kept me turning pages pretty easily, even if I don't normally read much YA anymore.

Books I'm Reading

Blood of Elves, by Andrzej Sapkowski - 20% finished. Didn't really make much progress on this over the past month due to brain fog and health stuff.
Updraft, by Fran Wilde - 43% finished. A reread, though it's been ages since I first read it, and I never did get around to reviewing it when I read it the first time, so I thought it was high time I read it again and actually wrote that review.
We Ride the Storm, by Devin Madson - 5% finished. Barely started this before other books and a lack of sleep kept distracting me. But I have started, and I will finish!

~ A new computer
~ A new computer chair, that doesn't cause me pain and doesn't sink after 30 seconds of sitting in it
~ A new couch
~ A Nintendo Switch
~ A reliable Internet connection (the one included in my rent, paid for by the neighbour upstairs as part of the rental contract, is a piece of crap and dies at least once a day, sometimes for hours at a time)
~ A car (this is mostly for R, but still)
~ A trip to the dentist to get my lousy teeth fixed
~ The removal of the 2 gigantic fleshbags attached to my chest
~ A house of my own
~ A new ebook reader

That's a lot of things. I stuck to a list of things that money can buy, because money can't buy good health directly, but things like a house of my own and a computer chair that doesn't hurt me more will certainly help improve my health.

This is why I've made the decision to really start writing again. I know it sounds trite, but I enjoy writing, and I enjoy role-playing weird paranormal romance scenarios, and people have told me multiple times that I really ought to commit to writing them out properly and self-publishing them on Amazon so I can make some extra money. Make any money, really, since I'm reliant on R and have no income of my own right now. I'd like to have income. I'd like to contribute and feel less useless and help us both get to a better place, a more comfortable place, and right now, self-publishing romance novels and novellas seems like a solid bet.

I'll at least attempt it. R and I talked it out, checked out budget, and we have a goal we're aiming for, and we figured that I could give writing a trial period to see if I make any sales and see if this is something that seems workable in a more long-term way. I sure hope so. And in addition, that also gives me more time to work on my passion projects, the YouTube videos, without feeling like I really ought to be looking for a job, any job, even if it will damage me to have and keep that job.

Here's to a hopefully bright career writing stuff that might entertain people for an hour or two maybe!

Current Mood: hopeful

- I really need to get better at making these things daily updates. I was trying so hard at first, trying to focus on things that I did so I could feel better about productivity and accomplishment, and then things just kind of went to hell with my health and I stopped having the energy or presence of mind to write daily recaps.

- For reasons, I got tested for COVID the other day. Test came back negative, as I strongly suspected it would, but given that I've had a cough for a good few days, plus weird tightness in my chest, and had also met my dad a couple of weeks ago and he had traveled outside the province, it seemed like a good time to get tested. I'm glad I don't have it, for obvious reasons.

- I am, though, rather worried that the shortness of breath was due to muscle weakness. I've been getting that in my arms and legs for ages now, and the problem is that when I get very tired, my lungs just sort of... don't work so well. I don't wheeze, and I can tell from my pulse oximetre that I'm oxygenating well, but when I try to take a deep breath, I can tell it's not going to the bottom of my lungs no matter how hard I try. Sometimes it does if I yawn, but other times, not so much. It feels like trying to breathe with a binder on, like something is constricting against my chest and not letting my lungs expand as much as they might, even though I am getting enough breath to stay oxygenated, which makes me wonder if it's the same muscle weakness that hits the rest of my body. Like when I get too tired, get too little rest, my body can't devote enough strength to making my lungs work the way they should. And if that is the case, then that's definitely something I need to bring up with the rheumatologist, whenever I get in to see one. Even if it's not something in their particular wheelhouse, it's worth mentioning because hi there, I enjoy breathing!

- Haven't done much reading the past week either, due to fatigue and drama in the SFF book community. So many harassment and abuse scandals. It's tiring, and I'm only witnessing it, not actually experiencing any of the harassment myself!

- Meant to say this yesterday, but my review of MInecraft Dungeons went live on YouTube. Decently proud of this video, too.

- Starting to get back in the writing groove again, which is nice. Hope I can find a good way to balance the desire to write with my desire to do, y'know, all of the other things I love doing, while also trying to juggle undiagnosed and untreated health issues. I'll manage as best I can.

- Finished reading Cindy Pon's Silver Phoenix.

- Still no word on the book I ordered from Amazon that has so far taken 2 weeks, required a help chat that miraculously resulted in a delivery date when one wasn't appearing before, supposedly shipped last Friday but the tracking code provided doesn't seem to be a valid one, and now Amazon is saying, "Whoopsie, maybe wait another week and see if it gets to you then?" I've waited half a month for it already, all the other books have arrived, and the website still lists this one as being in stock, so I can't see any legitimate reason why there should be so many problems with it, but, well, Amazon. I wouldn't have ordered from them if anywhere else carried the books I was looking for.

- Went out to run a whole bunch of errands today. Picking up some kitchen stuff and cough drops, getting R and new pair of pants to help with gardening, to the library to pick up some books that were being held for me, then to the pet store to get more cat food. We spent far more on cabs than we wanted to, but we didn't really have much choice, as buses are still running on a very reduced schedule, and some places aren't open at convenient times to let us get there when the buses are running. Just another way the world is telling people who can't afford a car that society really doesn't consider that they might have needs. (Me, bitter? Naaaah.)

- Of course, I didn't realize we were nearly out of milk until we got home, and we were both far too exhausted at that point to go out again, so Instacart it was. I don't like having to use that service, but I can't deny it's useful for people with chronic health problems like ours.

- Got some more video editing done. If I push tomorrow, I'll probably be able to get the video out on Monday, and that makes me happy. I wanted it out on Friday, but life sometimes doesn't play out that way, so Monday is a good second option.

- Slept for maybe 3 hours last night, but I did manage to grab 3 hours of sleep this afternoon, so I guess that balances out?

- R made supper tonight, a recipe from a new GoodFood box. Meatballs, roasted potatoes, and green beans, with pesto and toasted almonds. Really tasty, and we both agree that it's a recipe we'll make again in the future.

- Been playing a lot of Siralim 3 lately, especially when I can't sleep. Retro aesthetic, monster-catching RPG with a massive post-game? Yes, sign me right the hell up! I don't know how far through the main game I am, probably about halfway, and I'm enjoying the heck out of it. It's exactly what I need when I can't sleep and need something quiet and soothing to do at night. I haven't played the other 2 games in the series, but from how much I'm enjoying this one, I'm already really excited about Siralim Ultimate!

- Still sleeping sporadically, but I guess things could be worse. The pain has died down a lot, though I'm still not able to fall asleep without something to distract my brain, or else I just start focusing on the pain and then it's a huge painsomnia issue. But it could be worse, and I'm taking improvements where I can get them.

- About halfway finished editing the next video. I wanted to have it out by tomorrow, but it'll likely be Monday instead. Not too bad, though, really.

- Nothing else to say. Life has been reduced to merely getting through the days as best I can and trying to not freak out over what it's become.

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The Potato Witch

October 2020

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